OK, Mrs. Elf, Sign Here, and Sign Here, Initials Here

By November 24, 2007Briefly Legal

USA Today reports that volunteers with the U.S. Postal Service who answer children’s letters to Santa Claus will now have to sign a liability waiver…

Ladies and gentlemen, my client, little Johnny — yes, he IS a cute boy, isn’t he? — told all his friends at school that Santa would be bringing him a Nintendo Wii gaming console. Johnny invited three of his most popular classmates to come to his home and play with him on the promised Wii, and he suffered a devastating loss of social status when the so-called Saint Nicholas did not bring the game upon which Johnny based his invitations. He is STILL teased, bullied, ostracized.

This letter from Mrs. Fleming, Edna Fleming, supposedly on behalf of Santa, is quite simply a legally binding contract. “If you continue to be a good boy ….” Well, Johnny WAS a good boy for three whole weeks! “Santa will make sure you get a very nice ….” Ladies and gentlemen, look back on your own childhood. Can you imagine the shock, the hurt that Johnny felt when instead of a Wii he received three pairs of socks? Gray socks? Is that a “very nice gift” as promised by Edna Fleming, working in league with the monstrous Postal Service?

And she dares to call herself “Santa’s Little Helper.”

Mrs. Fleming’s milk, her cookies, those apple dumpling cheeks…none of this can compensate for the cruel trick she played on Johnny, a sham she has consciously orchestrated, going back to that day 13 years ago when she first volunteered with the Post Office.

And think of the hundreds of little children whose dreams she crushed over the years, courtesy the U.S. mails. How cruel. How very cruel…

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we cannot help those children. But we can help Johnny, help restore his dreams, and end the torment that his schoolmates now inflict upon him every day. Edna Fleming is no kindly elf, she is a troll, a gnome, a malign presence who must be brought to account.

We ask only what is fair: $400 in actual damages, the cost of a Nintendo Wii console, and $100 million in punitive damages. So never again…never again…will Edna Fleming and the Postal Service ruin Christmas.

Next: The class action against Santa’s Workshop, GmbH.

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