OK, we can’t just leave you with a 30-second video for your weekly dose of Friday Follies. And so we pass along this gem for the reading (or anti-video) generation. This has apparently made the rounds on the Internet for years, having first run in the New Yorker some 15 years ago. Yet somehow it had eluded us until last week when someone sent it to us. We must admit, upon first reading it was laugh-out-loud funny. It takes a little labor, in that it’s almost three pages of single-spaced legalese, but you’ll get the picture pretty quickly. It’ll either grab you or it won’t.
It is the opening statement of one Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for a Mr. Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff, in Coyote v. Acme. In it, he states that on 85 separate occasions, he has purchased from the Acme Company (most assuredly not an NAM-member company, by the way), “through that company’s mail order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury….”
It goes on to enumerate in legal and technical language various problems with, among others, the Acme Rocket Sled, the Acme Rocket Skates, the Acme “Little Giant” Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, and others.
In all, they claim some $38 million in damages, an amount that seems paltry by comparison to today’s standards. If only he could have been one of those plaintiffs examined by those unscrupulous doctors in that Texas asbestos/silicosis case. Heck, he would have been home free. Still, he makes a pretty compelling case in his opening arguments.
Here’s the link to the document. Fans of Coyote and Roadrunner should read and enjoy.
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